When I leave my house in the morning,   like many people, I check the weather. Easy   enough. If it’s cold out, bring a coat. If it’s raining,   an umbrella. Conversely, when it’s sunny   out, I don’t bring an umbrella. Or, I shouldn’t.   Because why would I need an umbrella if it’s   not raining?


Enter: lawn sprinklers. These little devils   make sure that whatever the weather, I’ll be   bringing an umbrella.

But let me explain. If you want a beautiful   lawn (yes, the whole two inches in front of   your expansive Brooklyn property), you’d better   make sure to put in an automated irrigation   system. Of course, you could get one of   those oscillating sprinklers from Target that   you just drop into the center of the yard. But   those require you to manually turn the knob   on your hose to turn it on, a colossal amount of   work in today’s automated age. No, if you want   a truly beautiful lawn, you’ll want to invest in   a fully automated, retracting irrigation system.   You’ll never again have to worry about   forgetting to water your lawn, never again   be standing outside for hours with the hose,   your thumb firmly jammed over the opening   because the nozzle broke again.

Now that I’ve convinced you, and you’re ready   ato shell out thousands for this revolutionary   system, allow me to make a request. When you   have your system installed, please remember:   the sidewalk does not need to be watered for it   to maintain its beauty. In fact, it doesn’t need   to be watered at all! Sidewalk maintenance is   minimal; the occasional chalk drawing is all it   needs.

Consider those that walk in front of your beautiful   lawn during their commutes. I could be a   young man, going on a first date. I’m dressed   in my finest, flowers in hand. As I walk by your   house, I check your lawn for any active sprinklers.   The coast is clear, but what I fail to see   is the concealed system. I’m almost past your   house when I hear the ominous sound of water   filling a pipe. I quicken my pace, but it’s too   late. Though I have to admit my flowers look   really fresh with droplets of water on them, my   specially rented tuxedo is ruined. It looks like   I’ll have to delay this date, which is a shame,   because I had reservations at an exclusive restaurant   that I likely won’t be able to get again.   Do you see now, from my completely true   story, how your sprinklers can affect others?   And it wouldn’t bother me so much it weren’t   for the ease of fixing it. As part of my research   for this article, I took the liberty of installing   an irrigation system in my own home. I   wanted to make sure I had a full understanding   of the intricacies of this complex art. In   this process, I learned about the different kinds of sprinkler heads, the different kinds of tubing, the different controllers. I wanted to make sure that my request wasn’t an impossible   task.

It isn’t.

After having installed a working irrigation   system, I can say for certain that it is 100%   possible to water your lawns without watering   the passersby (no guarantees can be made for   the one installing the system; after ruining two   sets of clothing, I just wore a bathing suit).   The problem is, many of you have already   installed your sprinklers, and you can’t just   change them all willy-nilly. So what are you   to do? I’m glad you asked! I have an easy fix,   even for you! (This would be a great place to   plug my cousin’s landscaping business, but I   won’t stoop to that.) Your marvelous irrigation   system has a central controller to dictate the   flow of the water, yes? Change the time of your   watering. That’s all. Do it early in the morning,   nobody is crazy enough to be up before the sun   rises, and those that are will probably appreciate   a splash to the face.

An earlier sprinkling time is not only good for   those on the sidewalk, it’s good for your grass   too. Less water will evaporate due to the sun,   and when the sun does rise, it will kill many   harmful bacteria that can grow when you   water at night.

So do your grass, your water bill, and your   community a favor. Fix your sprinklers.   LAWN SPRINKLERS


It’s been about two years now since I’ve started   fully appreciating lawn sprinklers. I was made   aware of their natural beauty while walking   home from school one day. The sun was grey,   yet the air hung dry. I was hot, and feeling lightheaded.   I continued walking and eventually came   across a house nesting a lawn sprinkler. The way   this particular sprinkler was situated was like so;   it was placed on the East side of the garden with   its spout facing towards the street.   I stood there and basked in the light specks of   water galloping my way. Suffice it to say, that   lawn sprinkler helped rehydrate me on that day.   It did not only physically help me out, it mentally   restored my happiness as well. The beauty of that   moment still remains fresh in my mind. Me, the   heat, the sprinkler, and the fresh and dainty way   in which the water seemed to spurt forth.   Every time I see a Lawn Sprinkler, it is a completely   different experience for me. Firstly, there   are so many different types of Lawn Sprinklers.   This means that the water unleashes itself in   what seems to be a different sort of dance every   single time! It’s just so exciting.   Some close-minded people (please excuse my   language) seem to think their existence is a   bother and a nuisance to society. They believe   that if these beings were faced away from the   street than those who are walking on the sidewalk   would not be unnecessarily plastered with   water.

Should other people not benefit from the wonderful   feeling of having these sprinklers around   because some lazy people do not want to simply   step into the gutter to avoid the water? No, I don’t   think so. I think Lawn Sprinklers are a privilege   us open-minded pedestrians deserve.   I will end with this final point. Would you allow   someone to bring peanut butter cookies to a   party in which the birthday girl is deathly allergic   to peanuts? No. And so there. Just because some   people may benefit from not having Sprinklers   does NOT make it okay to protest against them.   To you I say, “CROSS THE STREET.”


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